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It wears on you. Then there’s the anxiety that comes from the fallout of the illness. I.E. paying bills with little money. Trying to maintain relationships. Worries about the future and if you have one.Every now and then though, things ease up a bit. You don’t hurt so much. You’re mind is a little clearer and you find a smile on your face. That’s me at the moment. My head hurts and I had to leave work early because I went totally mute. But I’m not shaking and I don’t need my cane and my wife’s not crying or yelling at me. I feel relatively happy. I had a nap and a bowl of chili with some shredded cheese in it.Last night I was a little down and feeling envious which is an emotion I try to avoid like the plague. It’s almost as poisonous as bitterness which will kill your soul. I was envious because there’s all these people who can make choices and I can’t. Oh, I can make the choices, but I don’t have the power to back them up. Simple example: I can decide I want a Little Caesar’s. I got out and opened Tracey’s door for her and we walked inside, up the stairs and then into the apartment. I turned on the lights and I saw just a hint of fear in her eyes as she surveyed the room. We both took off our shoes, and I offered her something to drink. She asked for a Coke and I got one for each of us and sat down on the couch. She sat down next to me, but not too close.“Tracey, are you OK?” I asked.“Yes, I’m just nervous, that’s all.”“It’s OK. Just relax, no pressure.”“But what if I don’t do it right? What if you don’t like it? What if you think I’m ugly or fat?” she blurted out.“Please trust me,” I said soothingly, and gently touched her shoulder. “I know what to do and I can show you. It’ll be fine. Have you done anything at all?”“A few kisses playing ‘Spin the Bottle’, but that’s it. Well, I played doctor with my neighbor when we were in 2nd grade, but that’s the last time I saw a boy naked. Well, except for babies,” she said, speaking very fast.“I’ll show you, so.
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